Missing Parts

Disclaimer: Today’s blog is for the ladies. If you are a male and you get squeamish every time females talk about womanly things, this is your cue to log off this blog.

I am heading out to have an MRI. Even though an MRI is by far the safest, least painful of all medical procedures, it still makes me nervous. When I go for mammograms (which it is not painless, no matter how much they try to make you believe that) I already know they are going to panic and tell me they found something. I know I will be immediately rerouted to a ultrasound and I also know that in the end they are going to say, “Everything is fine.” I have done it a million times (slight exaggeration). My question to them always is, “We all know I am going to end up doing an ultrasound (which is painless) so why not send me there directly instead of putting my poor breasts through the agony of all that squeezing and stretching?” I never get a satisfying answer, so I don’t argue anymore.

This time, however, I am looking at an unknown. When having an ultrasound a few weeks ago, I hear the technician ask me the strangest question; “When you had your last D&C, did they remove one of your ovaries?” I almost fell from the bed. What??? As everybody (at least females) knows, a D&C is a minor surgery that requires no hospital stay while if one of your ovaries was to be removed it would be major surgery, right? (Please feel free to disagree with me because I am utterly confused)

So, I say, “No, not that I am aware. Why do you ask?”

“No big deal”, she says. “I just can’t find it.” Can’t find my ovary? Not a big deal? What the hell happen to my ovary? I know I didn’t just drop it while grocery shopping at Wegman’s  (someone would have picked it up and gave it to me right? I mean, who wants an old ovary anyway?)

Thus, this MRI. I am on a quest to either find my missing ovary (it was there a couple years ago) or whatever is causing me to cramp on that side of my abdomen. It’s a little scary and a little funny. I may even write a book about it. I will call it “The Mystery of the Missing Ovary” or “The Ovary That Wasn’t” or “The Invisible Ovary That Could”. It will be a blockbuster, you’ll see.

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